Ok, let’s draw our first card for guidance:
The Cactus card asks:
Do you need to try harder with a prickly situation?
Have you been resourceful in tough conditions?
Do you find it hard to get close to individuals?
Are you protective of those around you?
Would you say you keep your guard up?
Do you find it hard to get close to individuals? I could say, yes, that’s me. But here’s the thing. This is not designed only for me and for my deep-seated commitment issues, but a one-size-fits-all reading, a collective reading for Specula. So if we’re making it a little loose, let’s say, if I am a little distant, does that mean we all are a little distant? I believe that if we start with this, with the fact that we’re all a little distant, almost-there individually, but not there-there, we create a collective presence by occupying different spaces between us, between people. Because each of us experiences the distances differently, our distances eventually connect at some point. So even if it’s hard to get close to individuals, in collectives there is no other way. We have to get close and that’s reassuring.
Would you say you keep your guard up? I don’t know, why do we have to be so prickly even among friends? Some cacti live up to more than 200 years. I am so annoyed that we will not. I have never seen her so apoplectic. They have shallow, long roots and absorb water instantaneously. We were in their garden one day (like so many other days), working for something, taking breaks from time to time. My belly hurt and everything seemed impossible. I was almost certain nobody said what they believed. I heard the irritating click of someone’s tongue. There was a discussion going on, and I tried to chime in a couple of times, but I was speaking with that kind of soundless voice. Time passed, and I tried to slow down; I imagined how in cacti, spines provide shadow too. Suddenly, they were expecting an answer
Sorry, what did you say?
Scorching sun over my head, I thought this might be a sign. Were we not getting along? I never knew until that point that the spines of a cactus are actually modified leaves. They left while I was in the bathroom, and didn’t even say goodbye. They said we lost our sparkle. We just had a bad day, I am sure they had theirs too.
well we definitely haven’t been prickly in resourceful situations, am i right
First, it was the magazine, the logo, the website. Then, the artistic research, the group shows, the poetry anthology, the fundraising campaign, and some more research-based installations. All situations looked kind of prickly, but then they weren’t. Resources seemed frugal, but we made things happen. We protected ourselves, each other, the other others, right? [insert Anakin and Padme meme] right?
An overview is hard, especially when you’re always in the middle of, or in between projects. Some nights were sparkly, while others felt like pushing it more would drain the others. Some ideas were locked and others pocketed. Some made their way into the material world, others kept floating in our common contexts, propelled like pinballs from one’s viewpoint to the other’s.
Haha, I remember the fundraising campaign, the hopeful plans, the ‘we got this’ energy. We didn’t get this. The only fact that this fundraiser raised was our own disappointment.
I just spent ten minutes reading prickly as pickle-y. When I was little, I’d race to the market with my mom, grab a kilo of aged cheese and a jar of cucumber pickles, and eat nearly a fifth of the haul on the ten-minute walk home. So I kept reading the first question over and over again, trying to imagine how it would have been had I tried even harder to devour that incredibly salty and acidic food during my childhood adventures.
[And now I can’t get rid of the “I’m in a pickle” line (and imagery) from Rick and Morty]
—My subconscious doesn’t even let me visualise the word prickle when I think of the four of
you. Pickle, at best.
nope, not really. i like challenges and i’m pretty locked in when it comes to tight situations.
never had problems getting comfortable with people and i find it easy to bring
someone into my protective zone
i don’t know why and i also don’t really put that much thought into it.
Totally, my guard works full-time triple jobs
Yet I can’t help but wonder: how did we manage? I find myself wondering whether these prickles — mine, ours — are too long, too sharp, almost like a hair that invites touching and stroking, despite the warnings built into each barb. I wonder about these limits and defences, is there a way in through them, that lets you come close without getting knotted in or ensnared within each other’s thresholds? My suspicion is there is a lot of pleasure involved for all of us in the midst of these spaces that we cannot quite enter or overcome, where our special sensibilities and penchants have been carefully weaved in. Maybe all of the pleasure is there, within this invisible architecture of constraint which our history has erected over time, that we know well, almost fondly. We take satisfaction in our defences, whether they are shared or not, whether it is known what these limits are circling. There is this intimacy involved in knowing these outside layers of protection, even if you don’t know what they shield. Maybe there is nothing on the inside at all, everything is on the surface, on my skin. And so we listen, and maybe that’s all to be done sometimes: our prickles brushing up against each other, intertwined into a dense aura of relief, a mutual atmosphere, a missed encounter.
The Sunset card asks:
Have decisions today made a better path tomorrow?
Are you making the most of your time in the sun?
Could it be time to reflect on your journey so far?
Is something coming to its natural conclusion?
Do you need closure on something?
Recent sunsets have been making me feel like a distraught witness. Some of us don’t feel good during this period anyway: I don’t feel social this time of the year, or blaming cold season moods. Maybe the press of the blanket and a tendency to sleep more is symptomatic. Though, I appreciate the rituals that mediate this inner state of anxiety and the cold seasons. Thicker sauces opposed to slimy jellies. Something deepens and takes on colour, like a premenstrual syndrome. Winter mothers this intuition in everyone, like a springboard onto which every little thing creates a reaction, a response to something else previously repressed. I remember I used to have this 7pm energy release every day some years ago. Around 7, my thoughts would start racing and I would reach out to every friend, looking for connection. I recognise something of that in our meetings in these past few days: being there for each other in these transitions, during these sunsets. Being together provides a grounding in the shared uncertainty threatening our bodies and rights. We are all so sensitive right now — low immunity, buzzing ears, circulating aches. What outside figure is being introduced in our lives? What does our hypochondria speak to right now?
Exploring the sunset and the fading light – we feel like after the journey’s end.
we hold each other’s hands tightly, intertwining our fingers, before going to bed
*not my hands! she thinks quietly, keeping them hidden. she’s always had that kind of sticky hands that never feel dry. she remembers, years ago, how a friend flinched when she tried to hold her hand and shouted Ew! at the unexpected moisture. it wasn’t even summer, she hadn’t been in the sun or sweating, but her hands were clammy as usual*
we think she should let go of that episode about her sweaty hands. we truly are OK with them. we tighten our grip, gently pulling her forward, as we approach the point of convergence. where the sun meets the earth, where celestial and earthly bodies become one. metaphorically, of course. but it comes as a natural conclusion to even the strangest of days. people say sunsets are better in the winter, lightening up the occasional cold season mood.
*today, she found it hard to split between projects, personal life, and being a good listener to her friends and the world outside. is she too slow to react? she felt as if in the third day of ”Don’t Starve Together”, on the edge of being devoured by monsters, or like she had to advance in murky soil through treacherous terrain. heavy body*
first, she could easily get to day 18 in Don’t Starve playing Wickerbottom. second, we always managed to come together even after looong days and when the atmosphere gets heavy. we watched movies and shared funny open calls. some of us cooked pretty good food. we did well.
*today, she found a lost registration certificate for their association. she smiled. they are right*
It’s hard to engage with this. Especially today, on the 27th of December, with a mild, yet murky, winter on the other side of the window. Because Specula for me is all about summery vibez, walking aimlessly and spending evenings like early mornings. What I love about the word SUN is its semantic and aesthetic magnetism. Its self-sufficient sticky eloquence. We often hear that little can be enough, yet few things, when taken alone, actually are. SUN is one of them. Let me illustrate:
SUNcisions SUNcisions. SUNloring the SUNset.
Have deSiUNs today Sade a bUtter Nath for SUNorrow?
Are you SUNking the SUNst of your Sime in the SUN?
Could it be Sime to SUNlect on your SUrNey so Sar?
Is SUNthing SUNing to it’s SatUNal SonclUsioN?
Do you Seed SlosUNe on SUNthing?
Maybe SpecUNa is another.
“Ain’t going down ‘til the sun comes up, ain’t givin’ in ‘til they get enough” (1993)
“It’s New Year’s Eve and hopes are high, dance one year in, kiss one goodbye”
(1994)
“Goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day. Goodnight, always, to all that’s pure
that’s in your heart” (1995)
“You’re the devil in me I brought in from the cold, you said your body was young but
your mind was very old” (1996)
“A heart that’s full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won’t heal”
(1997)
“Go on and close the curtains, ‘cause all we need is candlelight” (1998)
“Scar tissue that I wish you saw, sarcastic mister know-it-all” (1999)
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do” (2000)
“Now that she’s back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair” (2001)
“Come away with me in the night, come away with me and I will write you a song”
(2002)
“I worry, I weigh three times my body, I worry, I throw my fear around” (2003)
“I walked across an empty land, I knew the pathway like the back of my hand” (2004)
“Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart” (2005)
“We’ll do it all, everything, on our own” (2006)
“It starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose, wherever it goes, I always know” (2007)
“Well, you done done me in, you bet I felt it, I tried to be chill, but you’re so hot that
I melted” (2008)
“You would not believe your eyes, if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep”
(2009)
“WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE, THERE’S NOT A THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE” (2010)
“White lips, pale face, breathing in snowflakes” (2011)
“Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck, some nights I call it a draw” (2012)
…. (2013)
…. (2014)
…. (2015)
…. (2016)
…. (2017)
…. (2018)
…. (2019)
“Tastes like strawberries on a summer evenin’, and it sounds just like a song” (2020)
“And I know we weren’t perfect but I’ve never felt this way for no one” (2021)
“Holdin’ me back, gravity’s holdin’ me back” (2022)
“I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser” (2023)
“As the sunset fades, our dreams ignite, painting the sky with hues of night” (2024)
“In the eternal sunset of our love, time stands still as stars align above” (2025)
Irina is writing her PhD, Iulia is teaching ballet, Mircea is explaining theorems, Matei is painting, and Ioana is making a sculpture. The sun does its thing. The day is over now. Did I create something meaningful today, did I push my art further, was my work worth the effort, did I challenge myself to do better, did I let myself experiment, was my vision clear, did I make something that matters, did I trust my instincts, was I present enough, did I make something beautiful, did I produce enough, was it a productive day in the studio, did I finish anything, did I allow myself to rest when I needed it, did I feel worthy of the work I created, was I too hard on myself, did I prove to myself that I’m capable, did the kids understand what I tried to teach them, did I explain things clearly enough, did I capture what I wanted to say, did I make art for myself or for others, was I too focused on the end result, did I feel like a teacher today, was I enough today just by showing up, am I where I need to be, did I give myself the space to make mistakes, did I compare myself too much to others, did I make something worth sharing, was I proud of my effort, did I give my best to what I made, did I feel like a real human today, did I offer enough praise for their efforts, did I challenge them without overwhelming them, did I make any progress on my PhD today, did I show myself kindness when the words didn’t come, did I take care of my basic needs today, did I remember to eat, did I drink enough water, did I give myself time to breathe, did I deal with heartbreak today. I keep them safe, these questions, and I promise I won’t try to answer them.
The Hands card asks:
Have you got a grip on all aspects of your life?
Are you holding on close to those who matter?
Do you seize opportunities with both hands?
Can you offer help to those in need of it?
Could you reach out to someone close?
Let me tell you what happened to me last night. I had such a strange dream. All of you were in it. You were bodiless, floating around me, while I was engaged in a deep conversation with a raven. Its wings were tightly folded against its back, white eyes piercing through me, expectant. Close proximity, but no touch. This was our conversation:
Can you lend me a hand?
thanks for that. we finished just in time.
Should I take this off your hands?
yes, please, so I could rest.
Handpicked these hairpins myself, maybe you need them at some point.
their colour matches my feathers.
Care of the earth and care of people go hand in hand. (and you want to take
the matters into YOUR own hands?)
I feel in good hands with you.
hand me the laptop.
that was hands down the best cake I’ve ever tasted.
The situation got out of hand at some point, but we managed.
Never realized how entangled it would be to work like that until we
experienced it first-hand.
On the one hand, on the other
And we continued like that, sharing things as a matter of fact, with all of you just floating around. What do you think? If you ask me, I’m almost sure they were visions of care—all the moments when touch brought us closer together.
- Choose a person to shake hands with.
- If you can see (with your physical eyes) the person with whom you are about to perform this handshake, start walking backwards, moving away from them until they are COMPLETELY out of reach.
- Set a timer and watch both your hands attentively for precisely 37 seconds. Afterwards, ask yourself: did you look at both of your hands at the same time or was your gaze drawn first on one hand, and then on the other? This step is crucial, as it directly affects the formal aspect of your handshake: whether it be performed with one or with both hands.
- Remember the person you were about to shake hands with. If you have forgotten them, the handshake is complete. Otherwise, continue to step 5.
- Rise on your toes, then make 1⁄2 step forward and remain suspended in balance.
- Cry, from the very depths of your lungs, the first name of the person whom you are about to shake hands with. Remember this person is far away from you and you shouldn’t be able to see them. If this person cannot hear you, the handshake is complete. If the person hears you and returns your salutation with any sound or word, move to step 7.
- By this point, you should start to feel weak in your knees from maintaining all this bodily suspension. Draw your attention to this increase of fatigue and encourage it to grow and take over your entire perception of self.
- As instantly as a numbing, yet raging sense of despair hits you, start singing the famous fistbump lullaby (the one they sing to naughty shih-tzus right before putting them to sleep), all the while letting go of your bodily position. This intense relaxation all throughout your body should give you a floating sensation.
- Let yourself fall asleep.
- When you wake up, you’ll notice thin turquoise lines at the edge of your palm(s) (see step 3), which will serve as confirmation that while you dreamt, you shook hands with a completely different person than the one you chose. If so, the handshake is complete. Otherwise, If your palms depict any other colour, go back to step 1.
